As we all walked down to the pond the other day, Jessica, who is two years old, chatted with Katie, who is twenty-four and has Down Syndrome. While each knows in her own mind what she is saying and thinking, neither of them has the ability to speak clearly. Yet they understood each other perfectly.

I didn't understand them nearly as well. And I make my living by communicating. As walked down the lane with them, I watched them chatting, and wondered what they might be getting right and what we might be getting wrong.

When we transmit and receive in communication, things can go wrong for all kinds of reasons:

We send through the wrong wires.When the teacher's helper asked Kyle, a deaf child in her class, to pick up his toys, she needed to be reminded to look directly at him so he could read her intention and read her lips. He was receiving through different wires than she was sending.

Broken wires or short circuits.When Dora had a stroke, her language got mixed up. When she spoke a certain word, it kept coming out as "Skating," even though that's not what she was talking about. Her frustration was understandable even if her speech was not.

We send static.Some people think aloud. They may like the sound of their own voice, but are not really looking for conversation.

Incompatible software.George was hurt and furious with the server at the restaurant for not getting his order right. He has Asperger's so he isn't good at displaying the non-verbal cues that would help a server read his intentions.

The power is off.Dad would never talk to me when the hockey game was on unless I stood in front of the TV.

Different frequencies.A deer stamped her front hooves at me the other day in the woods. I think that she was signaling a warning. But I'm not sure if I missed anything else about that message.

Parts are missing.Jess is two and not yet developed. Katie's developmental handicap may prevent her language skills from ever being complete.

With Kate and Jessica, both transmitter and receiver had their problems, but they got it right anyhow. In their communication, this is what I saw:

• They approached each other with curiosity. They wondered what the other was all about. They made no assumptions and met each other brand new.
• Their innate kindness and openness to the other was the first thing that was communicated.
• They were open to having things go differently, or even wrong. No hard feelings.
• They adapted as best as they could.
• They gave it up when they needed to move on.

So many things can go wrong when we communicate. But perhaps it doesn't matter so much what is being said. Perhaps what matters most in communicating is what Katie and Jess got right. Through all of their conversation, what was really being communicated was respect for each other.

(article first written 2009-07-29)

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